Super Adjunct

• How To Be an Adjunct Love-Magnet!!!

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  12 Feb 2010 /  Uncategorized

  

  Super-Adjunct? Or Cupid? (Photo: The Empty Nest’s “Campus Police Beat,” Feb. 11, 2010)

  Attention: Ladies! Super-Adjunct is Back On the Love-Market!!! That’s right. Cheryl C. dumped me again! (Of course, she’ll say she wasn’t going out with me. That after dropping the restraining order, she talked to me only because it was part of her job as the department office’s secretary. Whatevs as my students might say.) The Positive Spin: I am footloose and fancy-FREE this Valentine’s Season! To celebrate, I’ve titled this month’s advice column/blog, “How To Be an Adjunct Love-Magnet,” or 4 Full-Proof Adjunct Love-Lessons on How to Win Hearts and Find Your Soul-Mate! Let’s get started, shall we?

  Adjunct Love-Lesson #1: Go to Where the Action Is—The Faculty Senate!

  Aim Higher!!! Why go out with say an ungrateful department office secretary (whose initials are C. C.) or another adjunct for that matter when you could be dating some real money! Seriously, the Faculty Senate, is a great place to strike up conversations with potential, financially advantageous, love-matches! If you hooked up with a tenured professor and wedding bells rang, you’d get to share not only their salaries, but their benefits too! Imagine, instead of sweating, freezing, and moaning yourself through a bad flu in the camper-shell of your pickup, you could be indoors, in a real bed, taking prescribed antibiotics—for FREE! As John Lennon sang, “I know I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.”

  Adjunct Love-Lesson #2: Organize a “Will You Be My Adjunct?” Valentine Dance! Okay, maybe you feel better, safer, mingling with your own as it were. So why not organize an Adjunct Valentine Dance? You might answer: “Where would we have it? Who’d pay for the DJ, the refreshments, and all that? And do you really think anyone would show up?” Boy, you’re quite the downer, aren’t you? But a lack of lovin’ will do that to a person. First off, have it at the school. Push the desks aside in a classroom, and voila, you’ve got yourself a dance floor. Get your Department Head involved. They love these kinds of things and may even spring for soda and chips. You don’t need a DJ. I used my Talking Elephant Tape Recorder (a dollar bargain at GoodWill) and played my Neil Diamond tapes at last year’s adjunct dance! Everybody LOVED it! (All 5 of us!) With only a little effort, you too could be dancing to a plastic elephant singing Neil Diamond singing “Turn on your heartlight,” and never once want to phone home.

  Adjunct Love-Lesson #3: Cyber-presence, Baby!

  You need to get the word out you’re eligible and ready for romance! Create a blog, featuring yourself and how cool you are, just like I’m doing with this very blog. Then, email the link to all eligible love interests. If you don’t want to create a blog, simply send out an “I’m in the Mood for Love” mass-emailing. Don’t fret over the list. Email it to everyone in your address book. People get plenty of spam and delete it without a thought. Trust me! Here’s a few responses I received from my “Attention Ladies, I’m Free! Want to take me out to dinner?” mass email:

  “PLEASE TAKE ME OFF YOUR EMAIL LIST!”

  “LOL!”

  “I warned you. The restraining order’s back on!”

  Sure, I didn’t get a dinner out of it, but the word is out on the streets. (And someone did stick half a bag of Cheetos into my mailbox with a note, “Hey Loser! Dinner’s on me!”)

  Adjunct Love-Lesson #4: Woo with Gusto!

  Get Old-Fashioned. Give out real handmade Valentines—a tip I mentioned in my blog from last February, “Love on a Budget: Five Simple and Dirt Cheap Ways to Woo.” (Click Here To Realize There’s No Link And That You’ll Have To Scroll Down To Find the Old Blog.) Don’t give out your Valentines shyly—sticking heart-shaped construction paper into someone’s mailbox. Do it with flair, personality and real arrows! Dressing up like Cupid made quite an impression this year when I hand-delivered my early-bird Valentines! (SEE PHOTO ABOVE.) A student reporter and photographer from Goose-EGG U’s The Empty Nest came by for a photo-op. They arrived right before the campus police took me in for “indecent exposure.” It’s a bum rap which won’t stick my PolySci adjunct-friend assured me—as I was wearing some strategically placed clothing. In any case, this Valentine’s Season, I made lasting memories! How will you make yours?

  PLEASE NOTE: THIS BLOG IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!!!

  (Posted February 12, 2010, 9:23 AM, by Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net)
  

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  Tags: Matthew Henry Hall, Super Adjunct, Valentine's Day

• Be An @djunct Warrior

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  16 Jan 2010 /  Uncategorized

  

  Sometimes the TRUTH hurts. (Video Stills: Derek Sebastian Ronk IV)

  On New Year’s Eve, I like to spend a few of the afternoon hours alone, contemplating the past 12 months. I consider the Good Things first—like how despite numerous threats and warnings I got a contract to teach 4 classes this spring for $1435 per class (if they make)! Another Good Thing: Cheryl, my sweetie-pie extraordinaire, dropped the restraining order and said we could try to be “friends.” (I said, “What’s ‘friends’ code for?” Cheryl: “It’s not code for anything. It means friends. As in, we might be able to be friends some day.” “Hmm. I bet I know better.” “Then you’re going to be gravely mistaken.” She said this, but I could tell she wasn’t serious. I think.) After contemplating the Good Things, I turned to the Bad Things. Topping the list this year was my rodeo clown accident, the subsequent trip to the ER and hospital, and the fact I don’t have health insurance. How despite the money I made teaching some 45 online classes in the last 4 months (with 1 hand mind you), I still owe the hospital 10’s of 1,000’s of dollars. (But hey, maybe I’ll get a bailout like all those Wall Street crooks. HA HA!) Other Bad Things included the accusations of alleged slander at this blog, the threatened and pending lawsuits against me in regards to the alleged slander at this blog, and how the Vice Provost and Dean formally reprimanded me about the alleged slander at this blog. But who are they to point fingers?! Isn’t it a well-known rumor the Vice Provost and Dean allegedly covered up their alleged affair by allegedly blackmailing the Vice President about his alleged affair, which resulted in not only the alleged cover-up but also, allegedly, the Dean’s new office with its own kitchenette overloaded with the latest and most expensive culinary gadgets? (Some colleagues allegedly call our Dean the Dean of Arts and Appliances!)

  As I contemplated, then wrote the above paragraph, it dawned on me like a ton of bricks or mixed similes, metaphors, whatever, that my greatest strength and power is in the pen or rather . . . keyboard! My New Year’s resolution for 2010: Be an @djunct-Warrior for the TRUTH! Or, at the very least, the alleged TRUTH! And I hope it will be your resolution too. If you encounter injustice, lies and inequity at your job, and what adjunct doesn’t, I hope you will speak out, write a blog, hold a rally, let the TRUTH reign! In fact, even if you’re not an adjunct, I would hope in the coming year ALL OF US will be advocates for the TRUTH!

  So right here and now, I am calling on all the grossly overpaid administrators and tenured professors everywhere to take a TRUTHFUL look at themselves, especially their salaries. I am pleading for these colleagues to stop turning a blind eye to their adjunct brethren and sisteren. (You’re right. Sisteren is not a word, but work with me here.) Adjuncts teach 80% of the classes at my school, Goose-EGG University, and receive a sub-poverty pittance for the pleasure. Again, if the Admins and Tenureds were TRUTHFUL, they would have to admit their high wages are only possible because of adjunct teachers, who are forced (by their own choice) to live impoverished lives!

  As Gandhi, or maybe Alicia Keys, said, “Be the change you want to see.” Sure, I’m going to be an @djunct-Warrior for the TRUTH by writing this blog, but I want to be TRUTHFUL in every way possible in 2010, to fully embody what I want to see happening at our university and in the world at large. I thought of all the ways I am untruthful or have been untruthful in the past. I decided I’d try my best to right the wrongs of those untruthfulnesses (not a word, but again, cut me some slack). For instance, 2 years ago, James, another adjunct and I shared a tiny office. We had arranged our desks in such a way that we could both look out the even tinier window. One day I got to the office and saw that James had shoved my desk to the side, while he’d moved his desk to hog up the entire tiny window. When I complained, James said, “Well, you’re hardly ever here. You don’t even come to your own office hours.” All of that was true. I hated being in that office because it was so freakin’ small. But it was the principle of the thing! So I wrote an anonymous letter to our Department Head about how James didn’t have his MA, had in fact flunked out as an undergrad, had forged his transcripts and other papers to get his job as an adjunct and really shouldn’t be teaching even though it was the one thing in life he truly loved (all of which he had drunkenly confessed to me at that year’s Christmas Party). I knew it was wrong, but I wrote the letter anyway. I felt really sorry that James lost his job. And what’s worse, I lied to James when he asked if I knew who had told our Department Head. So this year, I decided to clear my conscience. I’d go and confess to James in person, apologize, tell him about the letter and how it really wasn’t worth it because the very next semester we all got moved from the 3^rd floor offices to the basement, which has no windows at all. (Technical Note: I am trying to keep this blog cutting edge by embedding videos, so I got my friend, Derek, who teaches math and has a video function on his cell phone to film my apology to James.) As you can see, (IN THE VIDEO STILLS ABOVE ‘CAUSE THE POLICE WON’T LET US POST THE VIDEO YET ON YOUTUBE), James didn’t exactly appreciate my apology. James has, I assure you, a surprisingly powerful right hook. I was only unconscious for 10 maybe 20 minutes, but Derek called the police. The Upshot: James said he’ll forgive me for screwing up his life if I don’t press charges for assault. So there you have it, the TRUTH wins out in the end!

  PLEASE NOTE: THIS BLOG IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!!!

  (Posted January 8, 2010, 12:48 PM, by Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net)
  Comments:

  Posted January 12, 2010, 8:29 PM:

  I NEVER said I’d forgive you. The TRUTH is I’ll never forgive you, you stupid lying worm.—James, jamesc345768@hoootmail.net.org.info.com

  Posted January 12, 2010, 8:32 PM:

  P. S. Please visit my new website: BoycottSuper-AdjunctThatHUGELoser!!!.com

  —James, jamesc345768@hoootmail.net.org.info.com

• 3 indispencible tips to surviving online teaching

  1 Comment
  21 Aug 2009 /  Uncategorized

  
  the above is a cartoon i got off the web. i know i am violating copyright laws since this is not an educational webpage, but a ‘for entertainment only’ blog. but cartoonists don’t mind, especially stinking rich guys like this matthew henry hall. plus, i imagine he’d love the exposure. check him out at www.matthewhenryhall.com

  hey everybody, please forgive thhe lowercase and misspells. i am ritimg this with only one finger and thumb, which weren’t broken—unlike my other fingers and thumb along with both of my arms and one of my legs, my jaw, nose and several ribs—when i made a miscalculation in regards to my summer part-time job as a rodeo clown. i mean i miscalculated that the bull would go right when it and i went left and i tripped and was nearly trampled to deaTH IN FRONT OF—freaking all caps buutton—a capacity crowd of rodeo fans. I coukd not tell if the boos were for the fact the bull nearly killed me or that he wasn’t allowed to finish the job.i need to get this typed befopre the painkiller kicks in again. then i will need to grade some student work until i’m unconscious, which leads me to today’s topic—online teaching.

  after my accident, and because i didn’t get an interview for the full-time 1 year adjunct position, i started to panic. i haven’t saved a whole bunch—if you’re an adfjunct you’llknow whsat i meaN. an adjunct’s got needs like everyone else–food and gas and the occasional banana-bonanza split from brice’s ice cream palace. the point is i scored a bunch of online classes to teach in order to bring in some needed income while i recuperated. now some may say teaching 36 online courses at one time is sheer madness, but if you use my ‘3 indispencible tips to surviving online teaching,’ you’ll not only survive, you’ll thrive.

  super-adjunct’s 3 indispencible tips to surviving online teaching;

  tip 1—USE ALLCAPS WHEN WRITING TO ANY STUDENT. I DISCOVERED THIS QUITE BY ACCIDENT. BUT THEY SEEM TO NOT WRITE ME AS MUCH WHEN I USE ALLCAPS.

  tip 2—keep your responces to student emails brief. here’s some examples;

  N O.

  —the above works well if a student wants to turn in work late, retake a test, asks for a recommendation or pretty much anything.

  RIGHT ON.

  —i use the above to answer rambling emails i don’t understand or don’t have the time to read. it has the added benefit of making me sound both hip and understanding.

  SORRY.

  —this last one should only be used if the student is complaining in a heightened way. by complaining in a heightened way, i mean they’ve contacted your supervisor, dept head, what have you and words like ‘incompetent,’ ‘irresponsible’ and/or ‘unprofessional’ are being used to describe your noble efforts as an underpaid educator. use VERY SORRY if an ‘early’ or ‘emergency’ termination of your contract is being discussed.

  tip 3—‘don’t think twice. it’s all right.’ bob dylan was right. whatever you do, DON’T OVERTHINK anything. in fact, if i were to rewrite dylan’s famous line, i’d say ‘don’t think AT ALL. it’s all right.’

  hope that helps some. please note i am not responsible if you take my advice and it doesn’t work out. SORRY. this blog is for entertainment purposes ONLY.

  Posted August 13, 2009, 11:23 AM, by Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net)

  Comments:

  Posted August 29, 2009, 8:27 PM:

  Dear Sir or Madam:

  My name is Matthew Henry Hall, and it has come to my attention that you are knowingly using my cartoon in violation of applicable copyright laws. Beyond that fact that, I often grant permission for these purposes (sometimes for free, sometimes for a nominal fee, sometimes for much more, depending on the specific circumstance), I need to make the point that I am in no way one of the “stinking rich guys” you mention. I used to be an adjunct teacher like yourself, and now I do make a tiny bit more money as a cartoonist than I did when teaching. But believe me it is still often a struggle to make ends meet. And when someone like yourself knowingly takes and uses my work without first asking my permission, I feel, as many adjuncts often feel in terms of their time and efforts, robbed. At the very least, I would like some sort of public acknowledgment and apology on your part. And if you can’t do that, please take my cartoon off your blog. Thank you in advance for your quick attention to this matter.

  Yours,

  Matthew Henry Hall (stumpystars@matthewhenryhall.com)

  Posted August 30, 2009, 11:56 AM:

  RIGHT ON.

  Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net

  Posted August 30, 2009, 2:14 PM:

  Right on? Is that all you have to say? Really?

  Matthew Henry Hall (stumpystars@matthewhenryhall.com)

  Posted April 31, 2009, 5:38 AM:

  N O.

  Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net

  Posted April 31, 2009, 10:33 AM:

  Dear Super-Adjunct,

  My client, Matthew Henry Hall, requested I write to you on his behalf and urge you to “CEASE AND DESIST” in regards to the posting of his cartoon, “Teaching Online.” You are in violation of current copyright law, which may result in a heavy fine and up to five years in prison. If within forty-eight hours, you’ve not complied with the above, I will be filing formal charges against you.

  Sincerely,

  D. R. Black, Attorney at Law, Black, Black & Sloan, drblack@bbslaw23.org

  Posted August 1, 2009, 3:17 PM:

  VERY SORRY.

  Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net

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