Super Adjunct

  • A Survival Guide for Summer’s Jobless Adjuncts (With Scholarly Footnotes)

    1 Comment
    21 Jul 2009 /  advice, holidays

     

    Me, hard at work at my summer job as a rodeo clown. (Photo: Cheryl Cromwatters)

     

    Hey Part-timer! Did the classes you were counting on to pay the bills this summer fall through? Are you terrified now over what you’ll do after your last piddly paycheck from spring semester arrives (and is quickly, if not instantly, spent)? Are you like bujillions of adjuncts everywhere this summer—unemployed but with no recourse to unemployment? Don’t fret! Here’s my three step Survival Guide for Summer’s Jobless Adjuncts:

    Step One: Don’t Panic! Ask yourself this one important question: “Do I own a tent?” Before I got my rockin’ summer job as a rodeo clown (See Photo Above) I used to take advantage of the summer weather and fourteen day free camping in our public forests. Live in a city? Move. Pronto! What were you thinking? You can’t make it in a city on an adjunct’s wages! Hello! It’s earth calling.

    Step Two: Be Creative! “Make believe is healthy,” writes one physician, whose name I wish I could remember. “It can reduce something that increases something which changes the rate of a chemical or something that makes you more healthy or something.” The point: when being interviewed for jobs, which highly specialized training and experience might be necessary, be creative! That’s how I got my summer job milking cows at Cheryl’s father’s farm. I lied! Straight up! I should’ve probably asked a few more questions about the milking machine, but hey that one cow, Bessie, Bossie, whatever, she lived. The same is true when filling out applications for summer jobs for which a GED might be an over-qualification, be creative! Sure! It would be a thrill and an honor to stay on as your dishwasher after the three month probation period.

    Step Three: Be Adventurous! I’m not saying go out and become a hooker, but why not try something you’ve little to no experience doing (See “Step Two”). As a famous American general, George Washington or Winston Churchill, said, “Be brave, little soldier.” For instance, I took a chance and got my summer job as a rodeo clown. Sure, it’s dangerous, and I’ve had numerous near-death experiences (See Photo Above), but it’s steady work, during what can be a money-scarce summer.

    Step Four: Extra Credit! Create a blog like this one, which shows your commitment to the scholarly process—with footnotes! SUCH A BLOG SHOULD COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY IMPRESS THE MEMBERS OF THE HIRING COMMITTEE FOR A ONE-YEAR, FULL-TIME ADJUNCT CONTRACT JOB LIKE THE ONE I’M APPLYING FOR WITH MY DEPARTMENT HERE AT GOOSE-EGG UNIVERSITY! (I’M YOUR MAN!!! NOT DARLY, DEE OR THAT FREAKAZOID WOMAN FROM KANSAS!!! BE A WINNER! HIRE SUPER-ADJUNCT!!!!!)

    Posted May 27, 2009, 8:22 AM, by Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net)

    Comments:

    Posted May 28, 2009, 11:11 AM:

    It’s D-A-R-Y-L, you cretin. And a blog scholarly? You and your footnotes make me laugh. In fact, I think it’s time you made the leap from part-time rodeo clown to full-time clown. You’re really cut out for that. I mean it. Besides I imagine you’ll need a job come next fall. –The COMPETITION

    Posted May 28, 2009, 6:16 PM:

    Darly. I know that’s you. It has to be. But how did you leave a comment without an email address? Maybe you’ve got a few smarts after all, but I doubt it. Good luck with your application to Wal-Mart. And Cheryl. I didn’t lie about milking cows. I did a little of that once like how I used to work as an auto mechanic. I’m just a little rusty on repairing brakes. I’m really sorry you car went through the wall of your garage. I can fix that. (For a small fee! : ) ) (Kidding. I’ll do it gratis* ‘cause you’re worth it, baby!) As you and everyone who reads this thing should note, This Blog Is For Entertainment Purposes Only! To see it any other way is . . . well, “unscholarly.” Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net

    *gratis—an ancient Italian word meaning, “love.”

    Darly, adjunct, a competitor for the 1 year full-time adjunct contract, my department, Goose-EGG University. (Personal Communication, yesterday). Darly said “bujillions” is not a specific number and that by choosing to use that word, I am being “unscholarly and idiotic.” Well, Darly, now that I’ve used your stupid comment in a footnote in my blog, I guess it’s crystal clear how “unscholarly and idiotic” I am.

    “Tim” (See I changed your name!), Office 211, McKonk Bldg, Goose-EGG University (Personal Communication, A few minutes ago). “Tim” said an adjunct can file for unemployment. “But if you do, GEU’s evil minions will never rehire you.”

    Physician on General Hospital. (Last Season Maybe). He was on some episodes Cheryl taped and forced me to watch. Even my pillow was yawning.

    See Footnote #4.

    Anywhere, USA. This is called the “Collective Consciousness Knowledge Thing,” which Allen Ginsberg, I think, invented.

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  • End-of-Semester Tips (Well, Kinda)

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    04 May 2009 /  advice, teaching

    It’s crunch time again! The end of the semester has arrived in all its stressed-out glory—the piles of ungraded student work; the looming deadline to get in your final grades; MIA students, who show up whimpering, “If I don’t pass this class, I can’t graduate. My grandma’s coming out from Des Moines to see me walk. She’s 97! You gotta help me!”; and students who bring typed up complaints to staple to their teacher evaluations.

    For all the sorrows, however, the end of the school year can also bring much joy. Not to gloat, but I’m a finalist for the 1 year full-time adjunct contract teaching position in my department here at Goose-EGG University. (My deepest consolations go out to all the losers other candidates who really didn’t have what it takes didn’t make the final round.)

    Also on a personal note for my loyal readers (thanks btw for helping me get almost 14 views last month), Cheryl, my sweetie-britches, is talking with me again. Mostly it’s about a restraining order. But progress is progress! 

    “That’s great for you,” you might say. “But how can I keep myself from going bonkers as I slog to the academic year’s finishing line?”

    I’ve been there. Heck, I’m there! Here’s a few of my secrets for surviving the final days of spring semester.

    Putting the Mend Back Into the End:

    1) The Stack of Ungraded Student Work:

    “I’ve got a pile of 136 research papers to grade,” you say. “Each averages 25 pages in length. I don’t have the time to do a good job.” Please . . . are you one of those fuddy-duddies who insists on reading every word of every student’s final term paper? Come join the 21st century! If you like the title, then give it an A and keeping moving. (Everything else gets a B. If the student obviously plagiarized, a C is justified.)

    Integrity Alert: When I tell other adjuncts about my grading system, some start blathering about integrity and how a teacher is a gatekeeper, insuring each student gets the grade she or he deserves. I agree we’re gatekeepers. Underpaid Adjunct Gatekeepers! Here’s how it works: The college takes the student’s money, you take the student’s (often illiterate, sub-par work, ie, “academic” toll), and you, the poorly paid toll-taker, give them the green light to go across the bridge. There’s a whole line of students coming after them, and the college wants to take their money. You don’t have time to dilly-dally about ethics.

    2) Student Evaluations:

    Some of my adjunct colleagues get very apprehensive when it comes to student evaluations. But I ask them, “Why are you worried about a herd of slobbering dunderheads in some intro level class slamming you?” “Because,” they say, “I want to get a full-time teaching job, maybe a tenure track job some day, and those evaluations can come back to haunt you.” First off, if you’re that afraid, you need to implement my grading advice. (See Above.) If everyone’s getting an A, who’ll complain? Occasionally, I’ll get some overachiever, who’ll write about how my class wasn’t challenging enough, but then Cheryl screens the evaluations for me at the department office and takes out any clinkers.

    If you’re not dating the department secretary, make “the honest mistake” that you thought you were supposed to deliver the evaluations to the office this year. Take your time going through them and weed out the bad apples. (This is also helpful to see who deserves a bad final grade.)

    3) Rip Van Winkles and Other Weirdo Stu’s!

    Over the years, I’ve had my share of students from outer space—the kid who smeared peanut brittle in his hair and attracted a swarm of bees when I tried to have class outside, the woman who said she was my father in another life and wanted to be my lover in this one, this other woman who bred roaches and gave me one of her “babies” as a pet (See Photo Above) and on and on and on. But every year, no matter what, I get a Rip Van Winkle. Suddenly, with a week or two left, this student will wake up from under whatever rock she or he’s been snoozing and realizes, Gosh, I’m enrolled in a college class taught by Super-Adjunct. Maybe I should go and see if I’ve missed anything. This student is often shocked to learn that after not completing any of the assignments, he or she is flunking. I don’t like to give incompletes as Rip will then be a permanent burr in my butt for years to come. So what do I do? I give them the most compassionate look I can muster and say, “I’m really sorry. But for your own good, I’m failing you.”

    Just kidding. I usually give them a bunch of extra busy work, and if they do it half-well, I’ll give them a C-.

    (Posted, April 22, 2009, 10:36 PM, by Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net)

    Comments:

    Posted April 23, 2009, 10:27 AM:

    Cheryl, got your message. I guess I wasn’t being “discreet” (“again”) in my blog. Whoops! Forgive me? —Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net

    Posted April 24, 2009, 6:25 AM:

    Dear Super-Adjunct, I thought the hiring committee would be interested in your trade secrets, so I emailed the link to this blog to each and every member. Signed, “One of the Losers”—paul1367@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net

    Posted April 24, 2009, 1:47 PM:

    Professor Super-Adjunct! You are a slimy, crack-toad jerk! I want Tessie C. back! And her house! (Thanks Paul for emailing me the link to this blog! You deserve a medal!) —sallyt956@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net

    Posted April 25, 2009, 10:21 AM:

    To Whom It May Concern: This Blog Is For Entertainment Purposes Only! (And to Sally: If I ever see Tessie C. again, I’ll give her to Paul, who deserves something better than a medal.) —Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net 

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