Me, hard at work at my summer job as a rodeo clown. (Photo: Cheryl Cromwatters)
Hey Part-timer! Did the classes you were counting on to pay the bills this summer fall through? Are you terrified now over what you’ll do after your last piddly paycheck from spring semester arrives (and is quickly, if not instantly, spent)? Are you like bujillions of adjuncts everywhere this summer—unemployed but with no recourse to unemployment? Don’t fret! Here’s my three step Survival Guide for Summer’s Jobless Adjuncts:
Step One: Don’t Panic! Ask yourself this one important question: “Do I own a tent?” Before I got my rockin’ summer job as a rodeo clown (See Photo Above) I used to take advantage of the summer weather and fourteen day free camping in our public forests. Live in a city? Move. Pronto! What were you thinking? You can’t make it in a city on an adjunct’s wages! Hello! It’s earth calling.
Step Two: Be Creative! “Make believe is healthy,” writes one physician, whose name I wish I could remember. “It can reduce something that increases something which changes the rate of a chemical or something that makes you more healthy or something.” The point: when being interviewed for jobs, which highly specialized training and experience might be necessary, be creative! That’s how I got my summer job milking cows at Cheryl’s father’s farm. I lied! Straight up! I should’ve probably asked a few more questions about the milking machine, but hey that one cow, Bessie, Bossie, whatever, she lived. The same is true when filling out applications for summer jobs for which a GED might be an over-qualification, be creative! Sure! It would be a thrill and an honor to stay on as your dishwasher after the three month probation period.
Step Three: Be Adventurous! I’m not saying go out and become a hooker, but why not try something you’ve little to no experience doing (See “Step Two”). As a famous American general, George Washington or Winston Churchill, said, “Be brave, little soldier.” For instance, I took a chance and got my summer job as a rodeo clown. Sure, it’s dangerous, and I’ve had numerous near-death experiences (See Photo Above), but it’s steady work, during what can be a money-scarce summer.
Step Four: Extra Credit! Create a blog like this one, which shows your commitment to the scholarly process—with footnotes! SUCH A BLOG SHOULD COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY IMPRESS THE MEMBERS OF THE HIRING COMMITTEE FOR A ONE-YEAR, FULL-TIME ADJUNCT CONTRACT JOB LIKE THE ONE I’M APPLYING FOR WITH MY DEPARTMENT HERE AT GOOSE-EGG UNIVERSITY! (I’M YOUR MAN!!! NOT DARLY, DEE OR THAT FREAKAZOID WOMAN FROM KANSAS!!! BE A WINNER! HIRE SUPER-ADJUNCT!!!!!)
Posted May 27, 2009, 8:22 AM, by Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net)
Comments:
Posted May 28, 2009, 11:11 AM:
It’s D-A-R-Y-L, you cretin. And a blog scholarly? You and your footnotes make me laugh. In fact, I think it’s time you made the leap from part-time rodeo clown to full-time clown. You’re really cut out for that. I mean it. Besides I imagine you’ll need a job come next fall. –The COMPETITION
Posted May 28, 2009, 6:16 PM:
Darly. I know that’s you. It has to be. But how did you leave a comment without an email address? Maybe you’ve got a few smarts after all, but I doubt it. Good luck with your application to Wal-Mart. And Cheryl. I didn’t lie about milking cows. I did a little of that once like how I used to work as an auto mechanic. I’m just a little rusty on repairing brakes. I’m really sorry you car went through the wall of your garage. I can fix that. (For a small fee! : ) ) (Kidding. I’ll do it gratis* ‘cause you’re worth it, baby!) As you and everyone who reads this thing should note, This Blog Is For Entertainment Purposes Only! To see it any other way is . . . well, “unscholarly.” Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net
*gratis—an ancient Italian word meaning, “love.”
Darly, adjunct, a competitor for the 1 year full-time adjunct contract, my department, Goose-EGG University. (Personal Communication, yesterday). Darly said “bujillions” is not a specific number and that by choosing to use that word, I am being “unscholarly and idiotic.” Well, Darly, now that I’ve used your stupid comment in a footnote in my blog, I guess it’s crystal clear how “unscholarly and idiotic” I am.
“Tim” (See I changed your name!), Office 211, McKonk Bldg, Goose-EGG University (Personal Communication, A few minutes ago). “Tim” said an adjunct can file for unemployment. “But if you do, GEU’s evil minions will never rehire you.”
