There are those adjuncts who just always seem to land on their feet (or better yet, with the exact number of courses they want always at the prime hours of the day). Brian is one of them, and shows how the adjunct life can be lived large.

Super-Adjunct? Or Cupid? (Photo: The Empty Nest’s “Campus Police Beat,” Feb. 11, 2010)

Attention: Ladies! Super-Adjunct is Back On the Love-Market!!! That’s right. Cheryl C. dumped me again! (Of course, she’ll say she wasn’t going out with me. That after dropping the restraining order, she talked to me only because it was part of her job as the department office’s secretary. Whatevs as my students might say.) The Positive Spin: I am footloose and fancy-FREE this Valentine’s Season! To celebrate, I’ve titled this month’s advice column/blog, “How To Be an Adjunct Love-Magnet,” or 4 Full-Proof Adjunct Love-Lessons on How to Win Hearts and Find Your Soul-Mate! Let’s get started, shall we?

Adjunct Love-Lesson #1: Go to Where the Action Is—The Faculty Senate!

Aim Higher!!! Why go out with say an ungrateful department office secretary (whose initials are C. C.) or another adjunct for that matter when you could be dating some real money! Seriously, the Faculty Senate, is a great place to strike up conversations with potential, financially advantageous, love-matches! If you hooked up with a tenured professor and wedding bells rang, you’d get to share not only their salaries, but their benefits too! Imagine, instead of sweating, freezing, and moaning yourself through a bad flu in the camper-shell of your pickup, you could be indoors, in a real bed, taking prescribed antibiotics—for FREE! As John Lennon sang, “I know I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.”

Adjunct Love-Lesson #2: Organize a “Will You Be My Adjunct?” Valentine Dance! Okay, maybe you feel better, safer, mingling with your own as it were. So why not organize an Adjunct Valentine Dance? You might answer: “Where would we have it? Who’d pay for the DJ, the refreshments, and all that? And do you really think anyone would show up?” Boy, you’re quite the downer, aren’t you? But a lack of lovin’ will do that to a person. First off, have it at the school. Push the desks aside in a classroom, and voila, you’ve got yourself a dance floor. Get your Department Head involved. They love these kinds of things and may even spring for soda and chips. You don’t need a DJ. I used my Talking Elephant Tape Recorder (a dollar bargain at GoodWill) and played my Neil Diamond tapes at last year’s adjunct dance! Everybody LOVED it! (All 5 of us!) With only a little effort, you too could be dancing to a plastic elephant singing Neil Diamond singing “Turn on your heartlight,” and never once want to phone home.

Adjunct Love-Lesson #3: Cyber-presence, Baby!

You need to get the word out you’re eligible and ready for romance! Create a blog, featuring yourself and how cool you are, just like I’m doing with this very blog. Then, email the link to all eligible love interests. If you don’t want to create a blog, simply send out an “I’m in the Mood for Love” mass-emailing. Don’t fret over the list. Email it to everyone in your address book. People get plenty of spam and delete it without a thought. Trust me! Here’s a few responses I received from my “Attention Ladies, I’m Free! Want to take me out to dinner?” mass email:

“PLEASE TAKE ME OFF YOUR EMAIL LIST!”

“LOL!”

“I warned you. The restraining order’s back on!”

Sure, I didn’t get a dinner out of it, but the word is out on the streets. (And someone did stick half a bag of Cheetos into my mailbox with a note, “Hey Loser! Dinner’s on me!”)

Adjunct Love-Lesson #4: Woo with Gusto!

Get Old-Fashioned. Give out real handmade Valentines—a tip I mentioned in my blog from last February, “Love on a Budget: Five Simple and Dirt Cheap Ways to Woo.” (Click Here To Realize There’s No Link And That You’ll Have To Scroll Down To Find the Old Blog.) Don’t give out your Valentines shyly—sticking heart-shaped construction paper into someone’s mailbox. Do it with flair, personality and real arrows! Dressing up like Cupid made quite an impression this year when I hand-delivered my early-bird Valentines! (SEE PHOTO ABOVE.) A student reporter and photographer from Goose-EGG U’s The Empty Nest came by for a photo-op. They arrived right before the campus police took me in for “indecent exposure.” It’s a bum rap which won’t stick my PolySci adjunct-friend assured me—as I was wearing some strategically placed clothing. In any case, this Valentine’s Season, I made lasting memories! How will you make yours?

PLEASE NOTE: THIS BLOG IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!!!

(Posted February 12, 2010, 9:23 AM, by Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net)

0 Comments:

Sometimes the TRUTH hurts. (Video Stills: Derek Sebastian Ronk IV)

On New Year’s Eve, I like to spend a few of the afternoon hours alone, contemplating the past 12 months. I consider the Good Things first—like how despite numerous threats and warnings I got a contract to teach 4 classes this spring for $1435 per class (if they make)! Another Good Thing: Cheryl, my sweetie-pie extraordinaire, dropped the restraining order and said we could try to be “friends.” (I said, “What’s ‘friends’ code for?” Cheryl: “It’s not code for anything. It means friends. As in, we might be able to be friends some day.” “Hmm. I bet I know better.” “Then you’re going to be gravely mistaken.” She said this, but I could tell she wasn’t serious. I think.) After contemplating the Good Things, I turned to the Bad Things. Topping the list this year was my rodeo clown accident, the subsequent trip to the ER and hospital, and the fact I don’t have health insurance. How despite the money I made teaching some 45 online classes in the last 4 months (with 1 hand mind you), I still owe the hospital 10’s of 1,000’s of dollars. (But hey, maybe I’ll get a bailout like all those Wall Street crooks. HA HA!) Other Bad Things included the accusations of alleged slander at this blog, the threatened and pending lawsuits against me in regards to the alleged slander at this blog, and how the Vice Provost and Dean formally reprimanded me about the alleged slander at this blog. But who are they to point fingers?! Isn’t it a well-known rumor the Vice Provost and Dean allegedly covered up their alleged affair by allegedly blackmailing the Vice President about his alleged affair, which resulted in not only the alleged cover-up but also, allegedly, the Dean’s new office with its own kitchenette overloaded with the latest and most expensive culinary gadgets? (Some colleagues allegedly call our Dean the Dean of Arts and Appliances!)

As I contemplated, then wrote the above paragraph, it dawned on me like a ton of bricks or mixed similes, metaphors, whatever, that my greatest strength and power is in the pen or rather . . . keyboard! My New Year’s resolution for 2010: Be an @djunct-Warrior for the TRUTH! Or, at the very least, the alleged TRUTH! And I hope it will be your resolution too. If you encounter injustice, lies and inequity at your job, and what adjunct doesn’t, I hope you will speak out, write a blog, hold a rally, let the TRUTH reign! In fact, even if you’re not an adjunct, I would hope in the coming year ALL OF US will be advocates for the TRUTH!

So right here and now, I am calling on all the grossly overpaid administrators and tenured professors everywhere to take a TRUTHFUL look at themselves, especially their salaries. I am pleading for these colleagues to stop turning a blind eye to their adjunct brethren and sisteren. (You’re right. Sisteren is not a word, but work with me here.) Adjuncts teach 80% of the classes at my school, Goose-EGG University, and receive a sub-poverty pittance for the pleasure. Again, if the Admins and Tenureds were TRUTHFUL, they would have to admit their high wages are only possible because of adjunct teachers, who are forced (by their own choice) to live impoverished lives!

As Gandhi, or maybe Alicia Keys, said, “Be the change you want to see.” Sure, I’m going to be an @djunct-Warrior for the TRUTH by writing this blog, but I want to be TRUTHFUL in every way possible in 2010, to fully embody what I want to see happening at our university and in the world at large. I thought of all the ways I am untruthful or have been untruthful in the past. I decided I’d try my best to right the wrongs of those untruthfulnesses (not a word, but again, cut me some slack). For instance, 2 years ago, James, another adjunct and I shared a tiny office. We had arranged our desks in such a way that we could both look out the even tinier window. One day I got to the office and saw that James had shoved my desk to the side, while he’d moved his desk to hog up the entire tiny window. When I complained, James said, “Well, you’re hardly ever here. You don’t even come to your own office hours.” All of that was true. I hated being in that office because it was so freakin’ small. But it was the principle of the thing! So I wrote an anonymous letter to our Department Head about how James didn’t have his MA, had in fact flunked out as an undergrad, had forged his transcripts and other papers to get his job as an adjunct and really shouldn’t be teaching even though it was the one thing in life he truly loved (all of which he had drunkenly confessed to me at that year’s Christmas Party). I knew it was wrong, but I wrote the letter anyway. I felt really sorry that James lost his job. And what’s worse, I lied to James when he asked if I knew who had told our Department Head. So this year, I decided to clear my conscience. I’d go and confess to James in person, apologize, tell him about the letter and how it really wasn’t worth it because the very next semester we all got moved from the 3^rd floor offices to the basement, which has no windows at all. (Technical Note: I am trying to keep this blog cutting edge by embedding videos, so I got my friend, Derek, who teaches math and has a video function on his cell phone to film my apology to James.) As you can see, (IN THE VIDEO STILLS ABOVE ‘CAUSE THE POLICE WON’T LET US POST THE VIDEO YET ON YOUTUBE), James didn’t exactly appreciate my apology. James has, I assure you, a surprisingly powerful right hook. I was only unconscious for 10 maybe 20 minutes, but Derek called the police. The Upshot: James said he’ll forgive me for screwing up his life if I don’t press charges for assault. So there you have it, the TRUTH wins out in the end!

PLEASE NOTE: THIS BLOG IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!!!

(Posted January 8, 2010, 12:48 PM, by Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net)
Comments:

Posted January 12, 2010, 8:29 PM:

I NEVER said I’d forgive you. The TRUTH is I’ll never forgive you, you stupid lying worm.—James, jamesc345768@hoootmail.net.org.info.com

Posted January 12, 2010, 8:32 PM:

P. S. Please visit my new website: BoycottSuper-AdjunctThatHUGELoser!!!.com

—James, jamesc345768@hoootmail.net.org.info.com

“I want my two dollars!” the paperboy demanded in the film, Better Off Dead. Well, I want my money too! And it’s a lot more than two dollars!!! I used to think getting a fair paycheck for my work as an adjunct was an impossible dream. Not anymore!!!

News Flash: The Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act of 2009 was signed into law by President Barack Obama on January 29, 2009! Sure, that was months and months and months ago. But I just heard about it a few weeks back, and that’s all I’ve been thinking about. I’ve read over the actual words, the law, and it’s, well . . . the truth is I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. But my friend, Z, the new anarchist adjunct-guy, who teaches history, said it means “adjuncts everywhere can file independent or class action lawsuits against their universities for FAIR PAY and damages.” Z’s not a lawyer, mind you, but he once met Nina Totenberg, the NPR correspondent for Supreme Court cases.

The Skinny: If you (an adjunct) can prove you do the same work as your counterparts (tenured faculty), but are not compensated the same as these counterparts (again, tenured faculty), you have the legal right to sue for backpay and damages, according to Z. “The hitch,” Z said, “is lawyers are expensive. Lawsuits can last a longtime. And adjuncts, we, the people, need to keep making a living. There’s no way it’ll work. If you . . . .” I tuned Z out at this point. He’s a good source of information, but kindofa Gloomy Gus. Sure, lawyers can be expensive. But 70 to 80 percent of all the classes taught at Goose-EGG U are taught by contingent faculty. All I’d have to do is round up the troops, get a few donations, and voila—lawyer, lawsuit, backpay!

The Real Hitch: When I asked my fellow-adjuncts, “Want to get backpay for all your previous work as an adjunct,” everyone responded positively. But when it came to actually donating money or time to the cause, it’s been, well, a little slow. Some said the timing for a lawsuit was off due to the economic downturn, how Goose-EGG U is struggling to simply stay afloat. Others didn’t like the name, “Adjuncts for Pay Equity” or “APEs.” Dorey Simms said it sounded like “wild beasts, or wanting guerilla warfare.” I told her it was an easy to remember acronym. She said, “You’re an idiot.” Despite the jeering, I persevered. I even found a lawyer, who teaches a Poli-Sci class here at Goose-EGG U, but when I emailed him, asking him if he’d represent us pro bono, he wrote back, “LOL! Wow, that’s great. I’m fwding your joke-email 2 a few buddies. Thanks!”

Class Action War Now: Even with all the naysayers, balkers and Z-ish clouds of doom, 45 or so adjuncts said they’d “for sure, absolutely show up” for our first meeting. And 3 of them actually did (not including myself)!!! (SEE ABOVE PHOTO.) Three! That’s a start!!! The 3 included Z, which was a surprise. But I think he was really just there for the donuts. True to form, Z said, “I told you so,” when someone suggested we call ourselves the “Anonymous Adjuncts for Pay Equity.” He said, “I told you so,” again when no one wanted their picture taken or have their name mentioned in this blog, or anywhere else. I think he was about to say it one more time when no one would pony up any money for the cause, but his mouth was full. In spite of all the obstacles, WE ARE NOT GIVING UP!!! If you, dear blog-reader, are interested in joining or helping in any way our campaign to sue Goose-EGG University, please send me an email care of: superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net

Thank You! The Sue is on!

(Posted September 27, 2009, 2009, 1:23 PM, by Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net)

Comments:

Posted September 29, 2009, 6:17 AM:

In spite of my requests that Super-Adjunct not mention or refer to me in his blog, I see he has anyway. (Poor form, my friend.) I need then to announce publicly, I do not support Super-Adjunct and The Adjuncts for Pay Equity’s ill-conceived and pathetic plans to sue Goose-EGG University. I attended the meeting and gave Super-Adjunct information about the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act as a disinterested third party. If there’s another “APE” meeting, I will surely not attend. (If there is, however, grub leftover, please wrap it up and leave it in the adjunct faculty fridge with my name on it.) Thanks.—Zeke “Z” Stevensoninksi, zekestevensoninksi@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net

Posted September 29, 2009, 3:33 PM:

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, BUT ESPECIALLY THE DEAN OF ARTS AND SCIENCE: CHERYL CROMWATTERS WAS IN NO WAY A PART OF THE ADJUNCTS FOR PAY EQUITY MEETING. SHE HAPPENED TO BE WALKING BY THE EMPTY CLASSROOM WHEN I SAID, “CHERYL, HEY! TAKE A PICTURE OF US WITH YOUR CELL PHONE!” SHE SAID SHE WAS IN A RUSH, BUT TOOK THE PHOTO, WONDERING ALOUD WHY EVERYONE WAS SO CAMERA-SHY. SHE TOLD ME SHE’D EMAIL ME THE PHOTO AND TOOK OFF. NOT UNTIL MUCH LATER DID I TELL HER IT WAS A MEETING ABOUT SUING THE UNIVERSITY. SHE WAS, SHE SAID, “APPALLED.” SHE SAID BOTH I AND THE ACRONYM WERE IDIOTIC. SHE FORBADE ME TO USE THE PICTURE SHE’D SENT VIA EMAIL, BUT I DID ANYWAY BECAUSE I’M, TO USE HER WORDS, “A DOUBLE-CROSSING LOUSE-SNAKE!” (I TOLD HER LATER THERE ARE NO SUCH REPTILES OR INSECTS, BUT SHE SAID, “JUST LOOK IN THE MIRROR, BUSTER!”) I HOPE THIS POST MAKES UP FOR ANY DAMAGES, AND SHE’S STILL UP FOR TAKING ME TO LUNCH ON FRIDAY!—Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net

TOP 10 REASONS WHY I *a REAL Student* PREFER MY ADJUNCT PROFS 2 MY TENURED ONES

by Dale Monroe

(Student + Guest-Blogger, Filling in 4 Super-Adjunct)

When I got the email saying, “The hiring committee has, unfortunately, decided to not grant you an interview for the full-time 1 year adjunct position,” I about died. This has to be a mistake! How dare they? I’d work the first month for free! I am bumming big time! And then it occurred to me I was racing through the Kübler-Ross 5 stages of grief in about a minute flat. But I skipped the fifth stage of acceptance and went straight to a sixth stage I like to call “REVENGE!” or “Turning the Tables on those Weasels Who Wouldn’t Give Me an Interview.”

Here then are 3 interviews, which I conducted using the video function of my girlfriend, Cheryl Cromwatters’ cell phone. Above you will find a montage of stills of the 3 interviewees. (I’d present the actual videos, but I am not that tech savvy.)

Interview with Weasel #1:

Edgar T. Branson, Ph.D. is the senior faculty member of the hiring committee. He’s been at our department since 1985. (A living fossil!) I caught up with Dr. Branson at the end of his driveway, early one Sunday morning about 2 weeks ago.

Super-Adjunct (holding cell phone up and then towards Dr. Branson like a cross at a vampire): How come Super-Adjunct didn’t get an interview for the full-time 1 year adjunct position?

Dr. Branson (squinting up, one hand reaching down to pick up his copy of The New York Times): What?

Super-Adjunct: You heard me. How come you and the other jerks on the hiring committee didn’t give Super-Adjunct an interview?

­

Dr. Branson (standing up and his glasses now on): Aren’t you Super-Adjunct?

Super-Adjunct: I’m not Peter Pan, you old coot! Now answer my. . . .

[At this point the interview got cut off because Cheryl’s phone doesn’t have a whole lot of memory. Dr. Branson’s wife ran out, and I think it was she who called the police. Before I was asked to “move along” or face criminal charges, the ancient lizard-like Dr. Branson admitted he’d heard I had a blog with inflammatory and possibly slanderous comments on it. And that was the primary reason, they’d taken me off the short-list. When I pressed him about who told the hiring committee about my blog, he said, “It was you! You sent us all emails with a link.” I said, “Oh yeah. That’s right.”]

Interview with Weasel #2:

Kimberly Jones, Ph.D. has been a tenure-track professor at our department for almost six years. I happened to accidentally-on-purpose run into Dr. Jones in the produce section at the local grocery store.

Super-Adjunct: Why do you hate the Constitution of the United States of America!?

Dr. Jones (after yelping then dropping several eggplants onto the floor): Geeeez . . . You scared me!

Super-Adjunct: How ‘bout it, Dr. Jones? You hate freedom of speech, don’t you? Don’t you?

Dr. Jones: What on earth are you talking about?

Super-Adjunct (jumping up and onto a bin of organic bananas): I’m talking about how you don’t like me talking, or rather blogging, freely?

Dr. Jones: What?

Super-Adjunct: It’s either, ‘Give up the blog, Super-Adjunct, or we won’t give you an interview for the full-time 1 year adjunct position.’ Well, I’ve got news for you, sister!!! I’M NOT GIVING UP MY BLOG!!!

Produce Guy: Hey! Get down from there!

Super-Adjunct (chanting): Oh, say, can you see? In my blog, I am FREE! Oh, say can you see? In my blog, I am FREE! Oh, say, can see?. . . .

Random Scruffy Guys (joining in): In my blog, I am FREE! Oh, say can you see? In my blog, I am. . . .

Produce Guy: (grabbing and shaking my leg): Hey! You get down from there! NOW!

[Here the camera-phone konked out again. The store manager soon arrived as a good part of the store started the chant and Dr. Jones, defeated, slunk away! I got out of there too when I heard the store manager dialing up the cops. What is up with everyone calling the police?]

Interview with Weasel #3:

Michael P. Cray, Ph.D. is a full professor, who is hard to track down. But I tracked him down alright—when he made the mistake of going into one of the stalls of the men’s faculty restroom.

Super-Adjunct: Why don’t you believe in Super-Adjunct’s right to freedom of speech? [after asking this question 3 times, Dr. Cray finally responded to] Dr. Cray, I’m talking to you!

Dr. Cray (laughing from inside the stall & mistaking me/Super-Adjunct for someone else): Larry,is that you?I thought you were talking on a cell phone. [Laughs.] But wow, that is bizarre what happened to Kim at the Food-Way. That Super-Adjunct guy is certifiable! [Laughs.]

Super-Adjunct: So how come you won’t give Super-Adjunct an interview for the full-time 1 year teaching position?

Dr. Cray (laughing some more): Because there were a lot more qualified candidates. Duh! [More laughter.]

Super-Adjunct: Oh. [Long pause.] It isn’t because he writes the truth in his blog?

Dr. Cray (laughing louder than ever): Yeah, right, Larry! That’s good! . . . But that blog of his, it’s an embarrassment, isn’t it? Poorly written and filled with. . . . [The sound of flushing makes the rest of Dr. Cray’s words indecipherable and then the camera-phone goes dead. Dr. Cray seemed pretty shaken up though when he came out of the stall and saw, me, Super-Adjunct, the Last Bastion for Truth and Free Speech, standing there holding a phone-video camera up to his face!]

Posted September 21, 2009, 9:16 AM, by Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net)

hey everybody, please forgive thhe lowercase and misspells. i am ritimg this with only one finger and thumb, which weren’t broken—unlike my other fingers and thumb along with both of my arms and one of my legs, my jaw, nose and several ribs—when i made a miscalculation in regards to my summer part-time job as a rodeo clown. i mean i miscalculated that the bull would go right when it and i went left and i tripped and was nearly trampled to deaTH IN FRONT OF—freaking all caps buutton—a capacity crowd of rodeo fans. I coukd not tell if the boos were for the fact the bull nearly killed me or that he wasn’t allowed to finish the job.i need to get this typed befopre the painkiller kicks in again. then i will need to grade some student work until i’m unconscious, which leads me to today’s topic—online teaching.

after my accident, and because i didn’t get an interview for the full-time 1 year adjunct position, i started to panic. i haven’t saved a whole bunch—if you’re an adfjunct you’llknow whsat i meaN. an adjunct’s got needs like everyone else–food and gas and the occasional banana-bonanza split from brice’s ice cream palace. the point is i scored a bunch of online classes to teach in order to bring in some needed income while i recuperated. now some may say teaching 36 online courses at one time is sheer madness, but if you use my ‘3 indispencible tips to surviving online teaching,’ you’ll not only survive, you’ll thrive.

super-adjunct’s 3 indispencible tips to surviving online teaching;

tip 1—USE ALLCAPS WHEN WRITING TO ANY STUDENT. I DISCOVERED THIS QUITE BY ACCIDENT. BUT THEY SEEM TO NOT WRITE ME AS MUCH WHEN I USE ALLCAPS.

tip 2—keep your responces to student emails brief. here’s some examples;

N O.

—the above works well if a student wants to turn in work late, retake a test, asks for a recommendation or pretty much anything.

RIGHT ON.

—i use the above to answer rambling emails i don’t understand or don’t have the time to read. it has the added benefit of making me sound both hip and understanding.

SORRY.

—this last one should only be used if the student is complaining in a heightened way. by complaining in a heightened way, i mean they’ve contacted your supervisor, dept head, what have you and words like ‘incompetent,’ ‘irresponsible’ and/or ‘unprofessional’ are being used to describe your noble efforts as an underpaid educator. use VERY SORRY if an ‘early’ or ‘emergency’ termination of your contract is being discussed.

tip 3—‘don’t think twice. it’s all right.’ bob dylan was right. whatever you do, DON’T OVERTHINK anything. in fact, if i were to rewrite dylan’s famous line, i’d say ‘don’t think AT ALL. it’s all right.’

hope that helps some. please note i am not responsible if you take my advice and it doesn’t work out. SORRY. this blog is for entertainment purposes ONLY.

Posted August 13, 2009, 11:23 AM, by Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net)

Comments:

Posted August 29, 2009, 8:27 PM:

Dear Sir or Madam:

My name is Matthew Henry Hall, and it has come to my attention that you are knowingly using my cartoon in violation of applicable copyright laws. Beyond that fact that, I often grant permission for these purposes (sometimes for free, sometimes for a nominal fee, sometimes for much more, depending on the specific circumstance), I need to make the point that I am in no way one of the “stinking rich guys” you mention. I used to be an adjunct teacher like yourself, and now I do make a tiny bit more money as a cartoonist than I did when teaching. But believe me it is still often a struggle to make ends meet. And when someone like yourself knowingly takes and uses my work without first asking my permission, I feel, as many adjuncts often feel in terms of their time and efforts, robbed. At the very least, I would like some sort of public acknowledgment and apology on your part. And if you can’t do that, please take my cartoon off your blog. Thank you in advance for your quick attention to this matter.

Yours,

Matthew Henry Hall (stumpystars@matthewhenryhall.com)

Posted August 30, 2009, 11:56 AM:

RIGHT ON.

Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net

Posted August 30, 2009, 2:14 PM:

Right on? Is that all you have to say? Really?

Matthew Henry Hall (stumpystars@matthewhenryhall.com)

Posted April 31, 2009, 5:38 AM:

N O.

Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net

Posted April 31, 2009, 10:33 AM:

Dear Super-Adjunct,

My client, Matthew Henry Hall, requested I write to you on his behalf and urge you to “CEASE AND DESIST” in regards to the posting of his cartoon, “Teaching Online.” You are in violation of current copyright law, which may result in a heavy fine and up to five years in prison. If within forty-eight hours, you’ve not complied with the above, I will be filing formal charges against you.

Sincerely,

D. R. Black, Attorney at Law, Black, Black & Sloan, drblack@bbslaw23.org

Posted August 1, 2009, 3:17 PM:

VERY SORRY.

Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net

Me, hard at work at my summer job as a rodeo clown. (Photo: Cheryl Cromwatters)

Hey Part-timer! Did the classes you were counting on to pay the bills this summer fall through? Are you terrified now over what you’ll do after your last piddly paycheck from spring semester arrives (and is quickly, if not instantly, spent)? Are you like bujillions of adjuncts everywhere this summer—unemployed but with no recourse to unemployment? Don’t fret! Here’s my three step Survival Guide for Summer’s Jobless Adjuncts:

Step One: Don’t Panic! Ask yourself this one important question: “Do I own a tent?” Before I got my rockin’ summer job as a rodeo clown (See Photo Above) I used to take advantage of the summer weather and fourteen day free camping in our public forests. Live in a city? Move. Pronto! What were you thinking? You can’t make it in a city on an adjunct’s wages! Hello! It’s earth calling.

Step Two: Be Creative! “Make believe is healthy,” writes one physician, whose name I wish I could remember. “It can reduce something that increases something which changes the rate of a chemical or something that makes you more healthy or something.” The point: when being interviewed for jobs, which highly specialized training and experience might be necessary, be creative! That’s how I got my summer job milking cows at Cheryl’s father’s farm. I lied! Straight up! I should’ve probably asked a few more questions about the milking machine, but hey that one cow, Bessie, Bossie, whatever, she lived. The same is true when filling out applications for summer jobs for which a GED might be an over-qualification, be creative! Sure! It would be a thrill and an honor to stay on as your dishwasher after the three month probation period.

Step Three: Be Adventurous! I’m not saying go out and become a hooker, but why not try something you’ve little to no experience doing (See “Step Two”). As a famous American general, George Washington or Winston Churchill, said, “Be brave, little soldier.” For instance, I took a chance and got my summer job as a rodeo clown. Sure, it’s dangerous, and I’ve had numerous near-death experiences (See Photo Above), but it’s steady work, during what can be a money-scarce summer.

Step Four: Extra Credit! Create a blog like this one, which shows your commitment to the scholarly process—with footnotes! SUCH A BLOG SHOULD COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY IMPRESS THE MEMBERS OF THE HIRING COMMITTEE FOR A ONE-YEAR, FULL-TIME ADJUNCT CONTRACT JOB LIKE THE ONE I’M APPLYING FOR WITH MY DEPARTMENT HERE AT GOOSE-EGG UNIVERSITY! (I’M YOUR MAN!!! NOT DARLY, DEE OR THAT FREAKAZOID WOMAN FROM KANSAS!!! BE A WINNER! HIRE SUPER-ADJUNCT!!!!!)

Posted May 27, 2009, 8:22 AM, by Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net)

Comments:

Posted May 28, 2009, 11:11 AM:

It’s D-A-R-Y-L, you cretin. And a blog scholarly? You and your footnotes make me laugh. In fact, I think it’s time you made the leap from part-time rodeo clown to full-time clown. You’re really cut out for that. I mean it. Besides I imagine you’ll need a job come next fall. –The COMPETITION

Posted May 28, 2009, 6:16 PM:

Darly. I know that’s you. It has to be. But how did you leave a comment without an email address? Maybe you’ve got a few smarts after all, but I doubt it. Good luck with your application to Wal-Mart. And Cheryl. I didn’t lie about milking cows. I did a little of that once like how I used to work as an auto mechanic. I’m just a little rusty on repairing brakes. I’m really sorry you car went through the wall of your garage. I can fix that. (For a small fee! : ) ) (Kidding. I’ll do it gratis* ‘cause you’re worth it, baby!) As you and everyone who reads this thing should note, This Blog Is For Entertainment Purposes Only! To see it any other way is . . . well, “unscholarly.” Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net

*gratis—an ancient Italian word meaning, “love.”

It’s crunch time again! The end of the semester has arrived in all its stressed-out glory—the piles of ungraded student work; the looming deadline to get in your final grades; MIA students, who show up whimpering, “If I don’t pass this class, I can’t graduate. My grandma’s coming out from Des Moines to see me walk. She’s 97! You gotta help me!”; and students who bring typed up complaints to staple to their teacher evaluations.

For all the sorrows, however, the end of the school year can also bring much joy. Not to gloat, but I’m a finalist for the 1 year full-time adjunct contract teaching position in my department here at Goose-EGG University. (My deepest consolations go out to all the losers other candidates who really didn’t have what it takes didn’t make the final round.)

Also on a personal note for my loyal readers (thanks btw for helping me get almost 14 views last month), Cheryl, my sweetie-britches, is talking with me again. Mostly it’s about a restraining order. But progress is progress! 

“That’s great for you,” you might say. “But how can I keep myself from going bonkers as I slog to the academic year’s finishing line?”

I’ve been there. Heck, I’m there! Here’s a few of my secrets for surviving the final days of spring semester.

Putting the Mend Back Into the End:

1) The Stack of Ungraded Student Work:

“I’ve got a pile of 136 research papers to grade,” you say. “Each averages 25 pages in length. I don’t have the time to do a good job.” Please . . . are you one of those fuddy-duddies who insists on reading every word of every student’s final term paper? Come join the 21^st century! If you like the title, then give it an A and keeping moving. (Everything else gets a B. If the student obviously plagiarized, a C is justified.)

Integrity Alert: When I tell other adjuncts about my grading system, some start blathering about integrity and how a teacher is a gatekeeper, insuring each student gets the grade she or he deserves. I agree we’re gatekeepers. Underpaid Adjunct Gatekeepers! Here’s how it works: The college takes the student’s money, you take the student’s (often illiterate, sub-par work, ie, “academic” toll), and you, the poorly paid toll-taker, give them the green light to go across the bridge. There’s a whole line of students coming after them, and the college wants to take their money. You don’t have time to dilly-dally about ethics.

2) Student Evaluations:

Some of my adjunct colleagues get very apprehensive when it comes to student evaluations. But I ask them, “Why are you worried about a herd of slobbering dunderheads in some intro level class slamming you?” “Because,” they say, “I want to get a full-time teaching job, maybe a tenure track job some day, and those evaluations can come back to haunt you.” First off, if you’re that afraid, you need to implement my grading advice. (See Above.) If everyone’s getting an A, who’ll complain? Occasionally, I’ll get some overachiever, who’ll write about how my class wasn’t challenging enough, but then Cheryl screens the evaluations for me at the department office and takes out any clinkers.

If you’re not dating the department secretary, make “the honest mistake” that you thought you were supposed to deliver the evaluations to the office this year. Take your time going through them and weed out the bad apples. (This is also helpful to see who deserves a bad final grade.)

3) Rip Van Winkles and Other Weirdo Stu’s!

Over the years, I’ve had my share of students from outer space—the kid who smeared peanut brittle in his hair and attracted a swarm of bees when I tried to have class outside, the woman who said she was my father in another life and wanted to be my lover in this one, this other woman who bred roaches and gave me one of her “babies” as a pet (See Photo Above) and on and on and on. But every year, no matter what, I get a Rip Van Winkle. Suddenly, with a week or two left, this student will wake up from under whatever rock she or he’s been snoozing and realizes, Gosh, I’m enrolled in a college class taught by Super-Adjunct. Maybe I should go and see if I’ve missed anything. This student is often shocked to learn that after not completing any of the assignments, he or she is flunking. I don’t like to give incompletes as Rip will then be a permanent burr in my butt for years to come. So what do I do? I give them the most compassionate look I can muster and say, “I’m really sorry. But for your own good, I’m failing you.”

Just kidding. I usually give them a bunch of extra busy work, and if they do it half-well, I’ll give them a C-.

(Posted, April 22, 2009, 10:36 PM, by Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net)

Comments:

Posted April 23, 2009, 10:27 AM:

Cheryl, got your message. I guess I wasn’t being “discreet” (“again”) in my blog. Whoops! Forgive me? —Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net

Posted April 24, 2009, 6:25 AM:

Dear Super-Adjunct, I thought the hiring committee would be interested in your trade secrets, so I emailed the link to this blog to each and every member. Signed, “One of the Losers”—paul1367@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net

Posted April 24, 2009, 1:47 PM:

Professor Super-Adjunct! You are a slimy, crack-toad jerk! I want Tessie C. back! And her house! (Thanks Paul for emailing me the link to this blog! You deserve a medal!) —sallyt956@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net

Posted April 25, 2009, 10:21 AM:

To Whom It May Concern: This Blog Is For Entertainment Purposes Only! (And to Sally: If I ever see Tessie C. again, I’ll give her to Paul, who deserves something better than a medal.) —Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net