Super-Adjunct? Or Cupid? (Photo: The Empty Nest’s “Campus Police Beat,” Feb. 11, 2010)
Attention: Ladies! Super-Adjunct is Back On the Love-Market!!! That’s right. Cheryl C. dumped me again! (Of course, she’ll say she wasn’t going out with me. That after dropping the restraining order, she talked to me only because it was part of her job as the department office’s secretary. Whatevs as my students might say.) The Positive Spin: I am footloose and fancy-FREE this Valentine’s Season! To celebrate, I’ve titled this month’s advice column/blog, “How To Be an Adjunct Love-Magnet,” or 4 Full-Proof Adjunct Love-Lessons on How to Win Hearts and Find Your Soul-Mate! Let’s get started, shall we?
Adjunct Love-Lesson #1: Go to Where the Action Is—The Faculty Senate!
Aim Higher!!! Why go out with say an ungrateful department office secretary (whose initials are C. C.) or another adjunct for that matter when you could be dating some real money! Seriously, the Faculty Senate, is a great place to strike up conversations with potential, financially advantageous, love-matches! If you hooked up with a tenured professor and wedding bells rang, you’d get to share not only their salaries, but their benefits too! Imagine, instead of sweating, freezing, and moaning yourself through a bad flu in the camper-shell of your pickup, you could be indoors, in a real bed, taking prescribed antibiotics—for FREE! As John Lennon sang, “I know I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.”
Adjunct Love-Lesson #2: Organize a “Will You Be My Adjunct?” Valentine Dance! Okay, maybe you feel better, safer, mingling with your own as it were. So why not organize an Adjunct Valentine Dance? You might answer: “Where would we have it? Who’d pay for the DJ, the refreshments, and all that? And do you really think anyone would show up?” Boy, you’re quite the downer, aren’t you? But a lack of lovin’ will do that to a person. First off, have it at the school. Push the desks aside in a classroom, and voila, you’ve got yourself a dance floor. Get your Department Head involved. They love these kinds of things and may even spring for soda and chips. You don’t need a DJ. I used my Talking Elephant Tape Recorder (a dollar bargain at GoodWill) and played my Neil Diamond tapes at last year’s adjunct dance! Everybody LOVED it! (All 5 of us!) With only a little effort, you too could be dancing to a plastic elephant singing Neil Diamond singing “Turn on your heartlight,” and never once want to phone home.
Adjunct Love-Lesson #3: Cyber-presence, Baby!
You need to get the word out you’re eligible and ready for romance! Create a blog, featuring yourself and how cool you are, just like I’m doing with this very blog. Then, email the link to all eligible love interests. If you don’t want to create a blog, simply send out an “I’m in the Mood for Love” mass-emailing. Don’t fret over the list. Email it to everyone in your address book. People get plenty of spam and delete it without a thought. Trust me! Here’s a few responses I received from my “Attention Ladies, I’m Free! Want to take me out to dinner?” mass email:
“PLEASE TAKE ME OFF YOUR EMAIL LIST!”
“LOL!”
“I warned you. The restraining order’s back on!”
Sure, I didn’t get a dinner out of it, but the word is out on the streets. (And someone did stick half a bag of Cheetos into my mailbox with a note, “Hey Loser! Dinner’s on me!”)
Adjunct Love-Lesson #4: Woo with Gusto!
Get Old-Fashioned. Give out real handmade Valentines—a tip I mentioned in my blog from last February, “Love on a Budget: Five Simple and Dirt Cheap Ways to Woo.” (Click Here To Realize There’s No Link And That You’ll Have To Scroll Down To Find the Old Blog.) Don’t give out your Valentines shyly—sticking heart-shaped construction paper into someone’s mailbox. Do it with flair, personality and real arrows! Dressing up like Cupid made quite an impression this year when I hand-delivered my early-bird Valentines! (SEE PHOTO ABOVE.) A student reporter and photographer from Goose-EGG U’s The Empty Nest came by for a photo-op. They arrived right before the campus police took me in for “indecent exposure.” It’s a bum rap which won’t stick my PolySci adjunct-friend assured me—as I was wearing some strategically placed clothing. In any case, this Valentine’s Season, I made lasting memories! How will you make yours?
PLEASE NOTE: THIS BLOG IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!!!
(Posted February 12, 2010, 9:23 AM, by Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net)
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