When I got the email saying, “The hiring committee has, unfortunately, decided to not grant you an interview for the full-time 1 year adjunct position,” I about died. This has to be a mistake! How dare they? I’d work the first month for free! I am bumming big time! And then it occurred to me I was racing through the Kübler-Ross 5 stages of grief in about a minute flat. But I skipped the fifth stage of acceptance and went straight to a sixth stage I like to call “REVENGE!” or “Turning the Tables on those Weasels Who Wouldn’t Give Me an Interview.”
Here then are 3 interviews, which I conducted using the video function of my girlfriend, Cheryl Cromwatters’ cell phone. Above you will find a montage of stills of the 3 interviewees. (I’d present the actual videos, but I am not that tech savvy.)
Interview with Weasel #1:
Edgar T. Branson, Ph.D. is the senior faculty member of the hiring committee. He’s been at our department since 1985. (A living fossil!) I caught up with Dr. Branson at the end of his driveway, early one Sunday morning about 2 weeks ago.
Super-Adjunct (holding cell phone up and then towards Dr. Branson like a cross at a vampire): How come Super-Adjunct didn’t get an interview for the full-time 1 year adjunct position?
Dr. Branson (squinting up, one hand reaching down to pick up his copy of The New York Times): What?
Super-Adjunct: You heard me. How come you and the other jerks on the hiring committee didn’t give Super-Adjunct an interview?
Dr. Branson (standing up and his glasses now on): Aren’t you Super-Adjunct?
Super-Adjunct: I’m not Peter Pan, you old coot! Now answer my. . . .
[At this point the interview got cut off because Cheryl’s phone doesn’t have a whole lot of memory. Dr. Branson’s wife ran out, and I think it was she who called the police. Before I was asked to “move along” or face criminal charges, the ancient lizard-like Dr. Branson admitted he’d heard I had a blog with inflammatory and possibly slanderous comments on it. And that was the primary reason, they’d taken me off the short-list. When I pressed him about who told the hiring committee about my blog, he said, “It was you! You sent us all emails with a link.” I said, “Oh yeah. That’s right.”]
Interview with Weasel #2:
Kimberly Jones, Ph.D. has been a tenure-track professor at our department for almost six years. I happened to accidentally-on-purpose run into Dr. Jones in the produce section at the local grocery store.
Super-Adjunct: Why do you hate the Constitution of the United States of America!?
Dr. Jones (after yelping then dropping several eggplants onto the floor): Geeeez . . . You scared me!
Super-Adjunct: How ‘bout it, Dr. Jones? You hate freedom of speech, don’t you? Don’t you?
Dr. Jones: What on earth are you talking about?
Super-Adjunct (jumping up and onto a bin of organic bananas): I’m talking about how you don’t like me talking, or rather blogging, freely?
Dr. Jones: What?
Super-Adjunct: It’s either, ‘Give up the blog, Super-Adjunct, or we won’t give you an interview for the full-time 1 year adjunct position.’ Well, I’ve got news for you, sister!!! I’M NOT GIVING UP MY BLOG!!!
Produce Guy: Hey! Get down from there!
Super-Adjunct (chanting): Oh, say, can you see? In my blog, I am FREE! Oh, say can you see? In my blog, I am FREE! Oh, say, can see?. . . .
Random Scruffy Guys (joining in): In my blog, I am FREE! Oh, say can you see? In my blog, I am. . . .
Produce Guy: (grabbing and shaking my leg): Hey! You get down from there! NOW!
[Here the camera-phone konked out again. The store manager soon arrived as a good part of the store started the chant and Dr. Jones, defeated, slunk away! I got out of there too when I heard the store manager dialing up the cops. What is up with everyone calling the police?]
Interview with Weasel #3:
Michael P. Cray, Ph.D. is a full professor, who is hard to track down. But I tracked him down alright—when he made the mistake of going into one of the stalls of the men’s faculty restroom.
Super-Adjunct: Why don’t you believe in Super-Adjunct’s right to freedom of speech? [after asking this question 3 times, Dr. Cray finally responded to] Dr. Cray, I’m talking to you!
Dr. Cray (laughing from inside the stall & mistaking me/Super-Adjunct for someone else): Larry,is that you?I thought you were talking on a cell phone. [Laughs.] But wow, that is bizarre what happened to Kim at the Food-Way. That Super-Adjunct guy is certifiable! [Laughs.]
Super-Adjunct: So how come you won’t give Super-Adjunct an interview for the full-time 1 year teaching position?
Dr. Cray (laughing some more): Because there were a lot more qualified candidates. Duh! [More laughter.]
Super-Adjunct: Oh. [Long pause.] It isn’t because he writes the truth in his blog?
Dr. Cray (laughing louder than ever): Yeah, right, Larry! That’s good! . . . But that blog of his, it’s an embarrassment, isn’t it? Poorly written and filled with. . . . [The sound of flushing makes the rest of Dr. Cray’s words indecipherable and then the camera-phone goes dead. Dr. Cray seemed pretty shaken up though when he came out of the stall and saw, me, Super-Adjunct, the Last Bastion for Truth and Free Speech, standing there holding a phone-video camera up to his face!]
Posted September 21, 2009, 9:16 AM, by Super-Adjunct, superadjunct@gooseeggu.us.com.org.net)
